During ‘chrimbo limbo’ week – which in Australia felt less like limbo and more like a week’s summer holiday spent reading by the pool – I noticed a cutout on my girlfriend’s wall. She has hundreds of beautiful quotes and affirmations all over her walls, and it feels as though each time I am in there I notice something new that I have not read before. This cut out reads “Stop trying to have it all and be perfect. Choose three priorities in your life and focus on them.”
I tried to think whether it was clear to me what my three standout priorities were. It was not, so as I set off on a beautiful solo hike from Spit to Manly, thoughts about this were swirling around my mind.
At one point I was thinking about my skin, as it was not looking so good from all the Christmas eating and drinking, and the consistent use of thick sunscreens clogging my pores. I wondered for a second whether I should purchase some retinol and get into an exfoliating routine, but immediately was reminded of the retinol bottle I had purchased in France which, having been used approximately three times, lay abandoned in my room in the UK having not qualified for Australia packing, alongside another bottle of retinol treatment previously purchased in London, which I had not deemed important enough to take to France, because I hardly ever used it. There’s a theme here: a classic me move is to buy all the gear, with little to no follow through. Gua sha, teeth whitening strips, hair masks. All purchased, used once or twice and then discarded in my cosmetics drawer, only to be sought out once a quarter when having an ‘all the works’ pamper session at home.
On this day, having read the quote about priorities earlier in the day, it occurred to me abruptly that pursuing these various beauty trends and trying to have perfect hair, teeth and skin, is part of trying to have it all. I’ve laughed and cried with my therapist about how hectic it is to be an adult: excel at work, socialise, save money, exercise, eat well, create an evening skin routine, read, do your laundry, keep your house clean and get enough sleep. I’ve spent years of my life feeling like a tilting labyrinth game – lurching between weeks where all my efforts went into healthy eating and gym sessions, which makes me feel deprived of joy so I’d heave into weeks of dinners, drinks and socialising, only to realise this is coming at the expense of my bank account and my gym routine, and back to the start. It had never before occurred to me, as a self-defined proactive and duty-bound person, that some of these concerns could be deprioritised to allow for progress in other areas. For example, I’ve always put pressure on myself to cook ‘well’ from scratch, despite cooking not being one of my favourite activities. If in the past I had prioritised the different areas of my life, I could have allowed myself to buy a supermarket spit-roasted chicken for the week’s work lunches, rather than feeling that I should roast the chicken myself at home as this would be cheaper and ‘proper’ cooking. End result often being that I would not have enough time to prep lunches, instead opting for a chicken and halloumi wrap from the local cafe which was neither healthier nor cheaper.
Thinking about the retinol products abandoned in my room at home in Nottingham, it dawned on me how clearly this demonstrated how skincare and luxurious cosmetics were not a priority for me at all, merely something I felt I should engage with in order to be a successful young woman like my peers.
With this realisation I plopped myself down on Fairlight beach and made a list of all the different aspects of living I’ve been attempting to juggle over the past couple years:
Journal entry 28/12/2022 (in this order):
- Work
- Money
- Travel
- Purpose/fulfilment
- Body image
- Fitness/Exercise
- Weight Loss
- Friendships
- Relationship
- Relationship with self
- Family
- Skincare
- Haircare
- Dental care
- Reading
- Practising languages
- Learning spanish
- Economic education
- Writing / Blog
- Hobbies / football / pole
- Healthy eating
- Make peace with life
Writing them out, I acknowledged for the first time that healthy eating, exercise and how I feel about my body are separate concepts. Normally around this time of year I’d start to implement a ‘lose weight’ new years resolution, which starts with extended gym visits whilst still at my parents house in chrimbo limbo week, and merges to a 5 gym classes per-week routine with chicken, veg and rice dinners upon my return to London. I envisage myself on my summer holiday and assure myself that THIS year will be the year that the six pack of my ice-skating days (when I was circa 12 years old) will return and I will feel amazing and confident in my swim wear. This normally lasts around 3-4 weeks, at which point my left knee hurts from running and I can hardly bear to squat down to the toilet seat with DOMS. Cue resting for 1-2 weeks and restarting, feeling defeated with no actual weight loss by March-ish time, by which point I’d normally slip back into my regular exercise and eating habits (which are far from unhealthy in the first place). I haven’t experienced any dramatic weight change in over 5 years.
Writing the list, I noticed immediately which areas I felt no investment in. I vowed to stop wasting money on skincare, haircare and teeth whitening products outside of my usual and basic routine.
Later in the week I reviewed the list and drew a star next to purpose/fulfilment, relationship with self, reading, economic education and writing/blog. It was so interesting to see on the page in black and white how I wanted to prioritise myself, to prioritise what would serve me and my mind positively, rather than punishing my body and making my current self feel inadequate with strict exercise and weight-related priorities.
For the first year that I can remember I’ve decided to enter the year free from any body/weight related new years resolution. Instead I have resolved this: to write everyday. Doesn’t matter where, what about or how much, simply to write for myself each day of 2023. It feels completely different, as if I am promising something to myself, rather than resigning myself to something. To have a resolution that I can look forward to, rather than a task I must get through in order to feel productive or good about my day. It’s so clear in this way to feel the difference between something I want to do rather than feel like I must do. I think it nicely sets the tone for 2023, my personal mantra for which is ‘do it for you’. A year where I live for myself with kindness, rather than criticism and obligation.